She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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