Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
