you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
