The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
