Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
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I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
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You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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