i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
did you just send me my own nude
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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