You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
