Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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