when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
