On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
