i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
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How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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