there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
