Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You had me at "let me see your balls"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
