just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
