Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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