This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
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