nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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