I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
