Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
