just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
