i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
