remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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