so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
