YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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