i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
