If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
