I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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