I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
