quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
