Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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