a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
