Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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