Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
