so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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