i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
