im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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