I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
