A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
