all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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