Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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