I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
