I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
