I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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