Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
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He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
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We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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