Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
