how can u be prego again
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
