I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
