ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
