I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back