Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
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Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
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I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"