i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
