I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
