Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
