Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
