He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
