I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you traded sex for a burrito?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
