Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
