An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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