I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
